When your greatest shortcoming, the obstacle that stands as the way of your defenses, is also what God is asking you to do —
Is it possible to walk in a path of fear and faith simultaneously?
I’ve felt a deep rest on my heart since March of this year that I had to take a break from dating. I chose a year. God corrected me near July that it wasn’t I that could take a year off, but it was His leading that would guide me to see what I needed to complement who I am and the time it took could be 3 months, a year, or 10 years. All I knew after that time was that He was going to make me whole before I could give a full yes to anyone else. The more I would seek after Him, the quicker I could become whole.
I was right in pausing dating. I was wrong in setting rules for myself in what I could and couldn’t do, expectations for when I would be ready, when the right person would cross my path.
I played the blame game with myself: “I’m awkward, I’m bad at relationships, I’m better off alone.” An Enneagram Type 5’s most typical response (if you haven’t taken the Enneagram test, it might be the best $11 you ever spend – read more here), there I was in the middle of it. These thoughts fueled this so-called failure for myself when the reality is, we’re all still figuring out who we are and what we need.
I’m learning there’s grace for that.
Rejection is a terrible theme for a monologue, if I’m being honest. It fueled my fear, and it fueled my faith simultaneously. I was afraid of another no, but I wanted to believe God was bringing me the right person, but I was afraid to trust. The cycle needed to break. Even if I didn’t date for another ten years, I had to stop the cycle.
And it has now. As of this morning, really. Funny how you wake up one day and things feel different. It has and it will take more prayer, more trust, more time for me to sort and let go and hold fast and know that I can be called to be single and be okay with it at the same time — I just can’t favor it, can’t hold onto it, need to be okay with opening up my heart. I have to hold onto Jesus instead. When I’m called to a relationship, I need to be whole. God won’t call me to it until I’m ready, but I need to be open to change. And I need to let go of past patterns, fear and hurt to know I’m going to be whole.
We have to learn how to hold onto wildflowers. Some have thorns and bristles on the outside, but if we learn to hold them the right way, it works out just fine.
I’m learning to hold myself the right way, too. Grace for the finish, hope for the beginning, peace in the middle. Breaking down the lies and picking up life as it is, as it should be.
And me, telling myself each morning:
There’s grace for that.