Over the past seven months, I’ve wrestled heavily with the concept of time. It was in those months I met my soul in a way deeper than I had in any other season of my life– something I realize now as an instrumental part of what has become of today.
I say today, because even as of three days ago I was still sorting my soul of out that season, still establishing truth, still trying to find the means to be still with what was and let go of the past things that still were hanging on. I know they’re going to come up again, but for now, I’ve let them go.
One night, about a month back, I was laying in bed and I heard my own soul speak to my head: “you’re shoving time places where it doesn’t exist.” My conscious mind didn’t understand it, but I could feel my soul in the deepest part of my chest shift inside of me. It understood, and it didn’t like it. I didn’t know what to do to fix it.
I came to find out a majority of my soul’s rather questionable feeling was a consistent decision to rely on neither my head nor my heart, but instead rely on “what if”, a curious thing to do. While my head and heart do fail me consistently, my soul can usually catch up to their shenanigans when one or the other is in the lead. Relying on a what if is to create a reality that our souls cannot catch up to.
Buying into the what if came easily: it was the first time I was truly out on my own, in a new city, alone, with friends spread throughout it but so few close by, late nights and early mornings of work, 3 hour commutes to travel 40 miles round trip, the list continues forward with a pace, but without reason. I wanted things to be different, and I began to try to live into the what if instead of being present in the reality. I wasn’t happy, and it was because I did not believe that what I had was what I needed.
The truth is, things change. I went to England for work a few weeks back and decided to spend a couple of days in London on my own, and things began to click for me. Between the days of work and days of play, I was able to let my soul explode, speak, and listen to the world around me. I was able to rest in wonder, which led me closer to wisdom. The more my soul spoke, the more I found the truest me come to life.
The Lord brought me back to the beginning, when I first met Him and the voice He has, so quiet, but so strong. He brought me back to my innocence, hanging on every word He spoke, believing in the truth of them regardless of what I could see. It was, and now is again, fullness of the Gospel. It would not have been without the wandering seasons for me to appreciate it as I do now.
The what if part of me was still playing part-time in the game, though, and it was getting the best of me post-London. What if-s seem beautiful, seem fun, but they ultimately fall into the hold of reality. I was reminded the things God speaks come to life, and the things He does not fall to the ground and dry up like rain on a sidewalk.
Nothing was lost, however. It was a time for things to be found.
It was in sorting the what if-s that I instead found how to dream.
Dreaming is different. It takes hold of reality and creates a new reality– one that banks on the now and trusts the future will be different. It doesn’t change what is, but has confidence that the now is part of the plan for the time approaching.
Dreaming turns us into watchmen, into soldiers, into the faithful and visioneers, tending to a future that is coming even when we cannot see it. It puts our trust back into the creation of time to understand it is both eternal and ceasing to exist.
I have become less of a what if-er and more of a dreamer. My soul now speaks over me.