I do not think I can find the words to explain what is happening in my heart, and if this comes across as lame, I wish that I could give you my heart for a moment so that you might too wiggle your fingers and know they are numb.
Another day, another Facebook post. And I accidentally clicked on the “so-and-so was tagged in image” to watch it expand before my eyes. It was a girl I know on an airplane, grinning with her boyfriend or brother or cousin; I don’t know. I don’t know her well enough to know the boy sitting next to her.
On any other day I would have glanced and scrolled past it, but today was not any other day. It was today. My soul caught a glimpse of forever.
What if the ticket is one way. Not as a question, but as insight. What if you never come back.
What if there was nothing in front of you, nothing to come back for, because you know that everything was ahead. What if there was no obstacle in your way to get there, but nothing was there when you arrived. It wasn’t me talking to the girl. It was me talking to myself.
I paused and raised my clenched left hand up to my mouth and began to chew on the ring on my finger (that’s the first time that’s ever happened, I promise it’s not a habit) and for the first time in my life, I could see it.
A couple of days ago I Facebook messaged a dear, dear friend I have in Thailand to ask her how to say “unhindered” in Thai. She sent me a voice message back and she called me “Sophie-bird,” which sent a smile to my face. She left the message to say there are many ways, but she gave me the words that translate to “there is nothing in front of me.”
There is nothing in front of me.
There is nothing that can stop me from being free. There is nothing that will hinder me. There is nothing that can stop me.
But because I am Sophie and human and a girl in her almost-21s, I will sometimes believe there is something in my way.
But right now, in this moment, if I lost everything: my friends, my family, every personal belonging, forgot about my final project for all four of my classes, ran out of contacts and my car broke down all at once– if I had nothing left– God would be enough for me.
One might call me presumptuous, but take me back to the garden.
Isn’t this the way it’s supposed to be?
If He never spoke life into me again, if He never gave me peace when I asked for it, if He placed me in the hands of persecution, death, illness and strife, what He has done would be enough.
Jesus is enough. Jesus was enough and he will always be enough.
My understanding of God is not what justifies me. It is not what replenishes me, it is not what saves me. It is not what gives me hope, joy, love, the capacity to walk, the capacity to run, the ability to alone know and speak of His name.
It is by faith, and by faith alone.
Faith is what justifies us. Faith is what allows us to enter. Faith is what sets us free.
And if all I’ve found is all I find for the rest of my life, if this ticket is only one way, it’s the only ticket I want. It’s the only ticket I’ll buy. It’s the only ticket I’ll keep.
And it will be always be more than enough for me.