We’re searching for the light; I know this much to be true. We want to see how it all plays out, to see everything in clarity as we wait for the dawn. But when the dawn breaks, we wish we had more time to stumble through the darkness. When the dawn breaks, we sometimes aren’t ready to look in the mirror at what we became in the night.
As my unlikely senior year of college begins, I’ve been feeling like everything is falling apart in the midst of being in the middle of what I’ve been waiting for.
I’ve been seeking purpose for a long time. I’ve been fighting a lot of battles I’ve kept on the inside- the biggest one is learning to rely on someone other than myself. I’ve been praying over the past year and a half for the light to reveal itself, but now that it’s here, I keep trying to retreat back to hiding.
This summer my life was illuminated in all of the places that are still part of the darkness. My incessant independence, my rejection of every potential relationship, my inner toughness that rarely shows on the outside. My belief that if I were to let someone in, they would leave again or worse, never understand me. My fake extrovertedness that sends me spiraling into silence when I become overwhelmed. My search for someone to tell me I am good enough and stay. And above all, my search for purpose, my wonder that once I find myself I’ll fail miserably at being who I am.
For so long, I’ve kept people close at arm’s length for the need of having people in my life but being okay if everyone walked away.
I don’t know how to fix any of this. At least, not on my own.
My alarm is going off and I can hear “Iris” by the The Goo Goo Dolls playing on repeat in the background of the clicks of my keyboard.
I’ve been a mess lately, but very few people know that. I’m slowly learning that being sloppy (in appropriate ways) is okay. I’m learning to be okay to talk about my problems before I’ve found the solution for them.
I realized this morning that when the dawn breaks and morning comes we’re usually waking up, disoriented and confused, wishing we could sleep longer on most occasions. Wishing the dark would come back so that we might have more time to dream. When we first wake up, we know we’re awake, but we don’t know what the day will hold.
I’m still learning to live in the morning.