closer than I’ve ever been.

IMG_7309There’s half a glass of water to my right and four cinnamon muffins sitting on a plate next to it, and both are completely still.

I was placed in a Facebook group message that keeps dinging on my phone and I have a thousand opportunities in my face but I can’t decide which one or ones to choose. My fingers keep typing and my words feel a little funny but I’m certain everything will be okay.

And I’m so often a soldier going into battle without a shield.

The outside of me doesn’t always show exactly what the inside of me knows. My inner drive to overcome is a force that propels me forward. It propels me forward until I crash into the next ambush, where my sword becomes useless without a shield.

I’m not standing in streets of gunfire and explosion, but there are times it feels that way. The battle rages but I refuse to seek shelter because I don’t want to sleep through the victory.

And then, when the fight goes into the darkness, I remain standing and repeat, “I cannot see!” when all along, it’s unfolding before me.

The sun still rises even while we sleep.

I’m learning to stop standing in the line of fire and let the world unravel at my feet instead of trying to untie knotted strings.

And by letting go of the line of fire, I’m seeking refuge in the tents.

I found it all in Psalm 91.

I just turned on Pandora and the first song that came on was “Be Still” by Bethel Music.

“Stop thinking so much, and just let go.”

There are a lot of things I’ve been holding onto for protection, but they prove to be more harm than good. I use them for protection because I’m afraid of what I’ll find when I let them go. I’m trying to find connections for pieces to a puzzle that no longer exists. There are paths of which I am still trying to walk upon that are no longer paths in my kingdom. And I can hear a voice, maybe it’s my own, and it says, “Quitters win.”

And these last things I’m holding onto, I lay them down at His feet.

I quit control and wondering, and I trade it for discipline and wonder. And I’m closer to Him now than I’ve ever been, because the battle is breaking down the walls that keep me at the center.

“I will never, never look back, ’cause you gave it all for me.”

One thought on “closer than I’ve ever been.

  1. Your struggles remind me of what Martin Luther wrestled with.
    My dream is to have servitude and faith like Mother Theresa. My insecurities hold me back, and the evil one has a crack in my armour.
    However, we have been blessed with grace. We have opportunities to weave our prayer threads together to lift us from the depths of despair. And in all things…..we give thanks


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