My hands are twitchy because my current thought process is shifting everything.
And I’m tired because I’m a college student.
I’ve taken July with the motto “Let God be God” and I’m learning that was a pretty extreme life motto decision.
I’ve chosen my life stance to be a human who prays dangerously. I’m not sure where that began, but some of my prayers have been answered so recklessly that I sometimes reply, “Um, God, are you sure I asked for this? I’m not sure I asked for this.” He’s faithful.
He’s taken a lot of surface-level sin out of my heart because I said that I was sorry. Unforgiveness. Bitterness. Shame. Guilt. Anger. Fear.
But there’s more that runs deeper. These have been my self-prayers for the summer: 1) For God to reveal places in my life where I compromised truth because of pride and 2) to put nothing before Him.
And, things were going pretty good. That is, until God started answering my prayers.
There’s a difference between asking God dangerous prayers and being able to walk in them when He answers. I usually order my prayers with a side of french fries and courage.
Because as obvious as guilt, shame, bitterness, and unforgiveness is, there are a lot of heart issues that run deeper. Issues that we can’t see.
Over the past week, God’s shown me the places where my heart is hiding these issues. He’s done it with so much grace and love but the revelation of the hidden issues is making me A) want to vomit B) choose courage or C) both (Answer: C) because I know what I need to do to reconcile.
He’s showing me people and situations that I need to go back to and re-evaluate, to apologize to, and to make amends.
And if I was talking to you face to face I’d probably say “it’s so hard” but then about half an hour later I’d come back to you and say I lied. It’s not hard.
We make it hard because we have a tendency to be more concerned with what the other person thinks rather than what God thinks.
We tend to base our salvation on our righteousness in the eyes of others rather than being blameless in the sight of God. One brings sin; the other, safety.
And I feel like this an appropriate moment to insert the grammatically incorrect phrase, “lol, whoops” because I’m good at basing my salvation on what I do rather than what has already been done for me through the cross.
Which leads me into the way God answered my other prayer.
I sat in the Pine Grove tonight (our on-campus park) for a while and when I left, somewhere between the Pine Grove and my front door I misplaced my phone.
I didn’t freak out. (Edit: I didn’t really freak out) because I knew I had had it moments earlier. But when I went back to the Pine Grove and couldn’t find it in the grass, I sat down because I was a little flustered.
My brain asked God to help me find my phone. But when I tried to say it out loud, I said, “God, I’m sorry for putting finding my phone in front of finding you.”
I startled myself when I said it (if that’s not the Holy Spirit interceding for me, I don’t know what is) and all of a sudden I spewed out ten different things I’m putting in front of God that I didn’t notice before. Work. Relationships. Books. My new soccer pants. My phone. Helplessness. Carelessness.
I felt so convicted that I didn’t care about finding my phone. I walked back to my car, sat in the driver’s seat, and drove three blocks home. I parked in the street and as I got out of the car I accidentally swung my keys into the crevice between the seat and the thing in between the two seats (the console?) and when I reached down to grab them, I grabbed my phone instead. I was so shocked that I dropped it back down into the crevice again.
It’s the simple radical faithful fearless prayers that make a difference. It’s the prayers that tell us what we don’t know about ourselves that change everything. When we don’t know, God does.
August motto: “simple radical faithful fearless.”